Heard Today

2 Year Old “Aww. I broke my toe. Here. Kiss it.” *extends foot* Me: “I’m not kissing that. That’s dirt. You didn’t break it.” 2 Year Old: “KISS IT!” Kiss the dirt!” *shoves foot at me* #unreasonable

Dear Two Year Old, I’m sorry I splashed water on you when I was unloading the dishwasher, but do you really think it justifies 4 minutes on the floor screaming “Owie Owie!” and holding your foot? #Needslithium

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, balloons are the left arm of the devil.

“Yay! I didn’t rear end that cop. Yay! I didn’t die at that intersection. Yay! I got anywhere on time. Yay! I didn’t blow an aneurysm.” Just running errands with a car full of kids.

Heard Today at a school pick up…

Me: “Hey, is that blood all over your shirt?!”

7 Year Old: “Oh, um, yeah.”

Me: “Oh no. Did you get hurt?” (checking for injuries)

7 Year Old: “No. It’s not mine.”

Me: Really? Well, who’s blood is it?”

7 Year Old: “I don’t know.”

Me: “But…how could you not know?”

7 Year Old:… “I just don’t.” (walking off to the car). #thesecretlifeofkids

10 Year Old: (upon watching some of Ken Burns Lewis and Clark documentary) “Couldn’t we buy more land from, like, Canada?”

Me: “No”

10 Year Old: “Why Not?”

Me: “Because the Canadians are using it.”

10 Year Old: “No, but we’d buy it.”

Me: “Yes, I understood what you meant. It’s still No.”

10 Year Old: “So why not?”

Me: …o.o “Because the Canadians are using it.”

Dora the Explorer is teaching the 2 Year Old how to survive if he ever runs into a T-Rex. Apparently they can’t see you if you freeze in place. Whew! That’s one thing of my To Do List for him. o.O

Yesterday was Frog Day for the 5th graders. As in they got to dissect one. Really, it was more of a personality test for the kids. Very interesting to see how they came to the task. This frog gave his life for science. (does the look on their faces tell you how this is going to go?). Oh, and whatever that science teacher is being paid, it likely isn’t enough.

Bopping along the 405 today to the J. Giles Band “Freeze Frame” with Oldest Son and he’s asking what they’re singing. “Freeze frame, you know like the camera. From the film” Blank look from the boy. sigh. “You know, cameras used to use film. Ya know, back in the day…geez! – Never mind” (I am, of course, mumbling by …this point)

Once, when the triplets were little, and I hadn’t been out of my pajamas for days or left the playroom in forever, I remember looking at original Steve from Blues Clues and thinking “You know, he’s not bad looking.” It was one of my lowest moments as a new Mom.

The 7 year old is Billy Martin…who knew? He is disputing a call by The Golf Pro in their backyard ballgame by crying and screaming “You suck at being an umpire!” If he knew how to kick dirt on him, I believe he would…

I can hear Bakugan in the background, and I swear, Marucho just went all Brokeback Mountain on us…I have to broaden the soundtrack to my life.

God save me from a 2 year old with a bad attitudes and a poor functional understanding of liquid.

Dear 2 year old, thank you again for pouring all that glitter into my purse right before we had to leave for the baseball game. Every time I went in there for money or car keys, HUGE puffs of featherlight glitter exploded on me until I looked like a deranged fairy. Anyone looking for me yesterday, I was that really shiny woman in the stands at the game.

2 Year Old: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

Me: “What is it?”

2 Year Old: “Heh heh. Juss kidding.” (runs away) #punkbehaviortaughtbyolderkids

7 Year Old: “Mom, why is the baby so cute when he’s happy?”

Me: “Oh, they make them that way so you don’t leave them in a park somewhere in the middle of the night.”

7 Year Old to 5 Year Old: “Don’t you ever say that word again!” “Why?” “I don’t know.”

5 Year Old: “But they were bossing me!” Me: “Yes. But can you see that locking them out of the house and not telling anyone is a bad choice?”

I love that the 2 year old coughs and then says “Bless you”. It shows his manners are on the right track.

I am ordering a child to play outside against their will. My reason? “Because I said so.” That is the whole reason. Get out of the house.

There is an extremely fine line between taking enough antihistamine to end the allergy attack and accidentally putting yourself to sleep…and I am dancing all over it right now.

5 Year Old: “Some of these mandarins are no good.” Me: “And your advanced mandarin selection skills tell you this?” #crankymuch?

Oldest Son: “Mom, you should go and lay down.” (said to his bedraggled, messed up, allergy riddled mother) I kid you not when I say that’s the nicest thing he’s ever said to me…I’d cry except that the antihistamines seem to have dried up all the moisture in my body.

Heard Today. “You’re stupid.” “No, you’re stupid!” One of them was 10 and the other was 2…you guess which was which Mom was too busy banging her head on the steering wheel.

Things we have said to the 2 Year Old lately: 1. “Don’t put things in your ears” 2. “Don’t let other people put things in your ears” 3. “Take the coat hanger out of your pants” 4. “Don’t use that word” 5. “Stop slapping people” 6. “Stop headbutting me” 7. “We understand”

Weirdly, the Golf Pro is currently telling me how we should get the kids ready for school…it appears to involve clothes. Interesting… #Iwillhurtyouifyoudon’tstop

We went to the Kindergarten Thanksgiving performance. The microphone wasn’t working, so they sang 5 song Marcel Marceau style and then at the end we waited patiently for all 50+ kids to each stand up in turn, announce their name and say what they were grateful for. Half way through it kind of started looking like a very tiny AA meeting.

Dear Two Year Old, stop screaming and crying because you can’t shove all the Bakugan in the house into your older brothers’ filthy, stinky sock. I mean harden up a little… #stayoutofthelaundry

I may have become almost completely asexual. I think I am about 2 evolutions away from either budding or spore formation. Public service message here ladies: Don’t let this happen to you…

I love some of the New York runway shows. Particularly the ones where all the models successfully have that “You’re dead to me” look mastered.

Heard Today: “I used to take ballet, but then I quit because I didn’t like my hair.” 5 Year Old to visiting cousin. #infalliblefemalelogic

Until you have kids, you have no idea that the words “I want you!” could be so abusive.

Excuse me, 2 Year Old? Will you get that book out of my ear.

Dear 5 Year Old, I’m sorry you did not get socks from Target also. You are not loved less because of this. They are socks. $1 Socks. You have not been shorted a $1’s worth of love. You life is about the same as it was before the socks. It just does not include an extra pair of $1 socks. You will be alright. Have you considered a nap?

After a 4 minute argument with Oldest Daughter about giving a piece of sugarless gum to one sibling in front of another (“but she might choke” – not the real reason for her refusal to share), my capitulation looked like this: “I order you to give her a piece. If we end up at the hospital surrounded by police, you can tell them I made you do it!”

A 2 year old just backed up past my bedroom door feeding out slack from an enormous spool of yarn. Should I intervene? He really looks like he’s on a mission…

10 Year Old: Mom, what does tazering mean?” Me: “It’s a weapon the police use to subdue unruly suspects…Conversely, it may also be used as free electroshock therapy” #tazemebro

Heard Today: 7 Year Old “Mom, do you know when I was born?” Me: “Uh…yeah.” o.o

Ok. Everybody is medicated and it’s off to Grandma’s house we go. Seriously, I need an attitude adjustment. In a glass.

Not to be high maintenance or anything, but may I say that I prefer to be perfectly room temperature at all times. #cold

We’re all sick. Well except for one kid, but I’m going to find that kid in a minute and lick him, because I’m just bitter now…

The 2 year old has a cold. He is laid out on the floor in a pool of snot and tears whinging, moaning and screaming “I can’t walk! I can’t walk!” Dude, I feel so sorry for your future wife. You are the worst sick person.

“Mom! Mom! I found a Kill Million!”. #petstorequotes

“Whoa. That hamster is HUGE!” “It’s a guinea pig honey” #petstorequotes

Yay! I slept for 20 minutes. Yay! 50% of my kids are home sick Yay! I’m sick too. Yay! I’m…oh nevermind. I clearly haven’t grasped my situation yet.

Brow-beaten. I wonder if my kids will use that word a lot when they describe their childhood?

Some people are born butch. Others have butchness thrust upon them.

4 Year Old: “Hurry up or we’re going to miss the whole thing.

“Me: o.o “What time is the event?

“Her: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What time is it now?”

Her: “I don’t know.”

Me: “So from this exchange, we can safely draw the conclusion that you don’t know anything?”

Her: o.o *walks away from Mom and lets her finish getting ready*

Me to the 10 year old: “Get your room cleaned first, and then we’ll talk turkey.”

The 10 year old to me: “Wait, what about a turkey?” #oldschoolphrasesthatconfuse

“Sit over here and eat that sandwich. And if you misbehave in ANY way, it’s curtains for you.”

Oh, good. They’ve turned on each other. #I’moffthehook

Dear 4 Year Old and 2 Year Old, for one of you to stop copying the other one…someone has to stop copying the other one.

4 Year Old “Mom said I didn’t have to play with you if you yell at me.”

7 Year Old “Mom! Why did you tell her that?!!”

Dear 4 Year Old, putting away 6 items of clothing is not best accomplished by first removing the contents of two drawers…Love, Mom

Dear 7 Year Old, do not push small plastic disks into your earholes and then tell me it hurts. We’re lucky I could retrieve them with my tweezers. This also classifies as tool-like behavior…Love, Mom

Dear 2 Year Old, STOP headbutting the large, glass, picture window. Stop punching it too. Oh, and definitely stop wiping your nose on it. You’re being a tool…Love, Mom

Why do I have to refrigerate pickles after opening? Aren’t they already…what’s the word…PICKLED? :-(

“Here, take these slingshots and bottlerockets and go play.”. #oldschoolparenting

Me to the 2 Year Old: “Give your sister back her tooth.”

Me to the 10 Year Old: “Put your tooth up so the baby will stop playing with it.” #weirdeventome

Heard Today: (backing out of the driveway) 2 Year Old “Don’t crash me!” sigh. Does no one have confidence in my driving?!!

Coming down the stairs during the ALCS 7th inning rendition of God Bless America to find one of the 10 year olds and the 7 year old lined up in front of the TV, hand over hearts and belting out their patriotism. They really know how to have the full baseball experience, even from home. :-)

My kingdom for a tranquilizer dart!

There has been some sort of accident up ahead. I am trapped on the freeway at a dead stop with 6 kids in the car. I hope they eat me first.

Well, there’ another Panda Express that we’ll never be able to go back to…

4 Year Old: “Sorry everybody for the head-butting. Sorry.”

Dr. appt booked for 7 year old, 3 parent-teacher conferences held, drama soothed over eaten chapstick, work emails sent, chocolate chip cookies baked, cinnamon bread started, peppers roasted, children picked up and delivered, missing shoe found, home work overseen, laundry happening, grocery shopping done…Still to come: Dinner, baseball practice, bathing and bedtime. #arewethereyet?

Heard Today: 10 Year Old Daughter: “Mom, what’s a muzzle?”

Me: “A good idea?” (sometimes it’s just too easy)

Heard Today: “Mom, I’m really glad that Dad got you new tires, cause you drive kind of fast.”

Me: “Did you eat all the donuts?”

7 Year Old: “I don’t remember.”

Me: How can you not remember if you ate 4 donuts or not?”

7 Year Old (now crying) “Maybe they just disappeared or something.” #pokerface?

4 Year Old: “I need a new light bulb.” Me: “Why?” 10 minutes later, I’m kinda sorry I asked…

You know what’s great? Being mocked for your lack of skills and youth by your 10 year old, whose about to pitch to you, right before you smoke one right back at him and make him hit the deck. Bwahahahahaha! (Mom doesn’t suck quite as much as you were thinking 10 year old. Snoopy Dance! Victory Dance! In your face! — OK, I’m all done now).

Dear 2 Year Old, You dropped a spoon. You did not get rejected by Yale. I cannot have a team of therapists on speed dial every time your still developing coordination fails you. Couldn’t we just hug it out?

All I did was watch my favorite scene from The Blind Side…there’s always a price to be paid. Ironically, while I was scrubbing the 2 year old’s drawings off the walls downstairs, he was upstairs drawing on the walls with a crayon…Punk.

Next to their powers of concentration, I look like Uri Geller #5thgradehomework

Ok…may I just say that parenting 6 kids this close in age is like playing the most frenetic, intensive, Ritalin-driven game of Whack-a-Mole ever.

Heard Today: Youngest Daughter “The girls are like kitties and the boys are like dogs. Right Mom?”

Me: “Have we discussed the 5th Amendment yet?”

Listening to a 10 year old practice Viola. Does anyone else remember Jimmy Page bow solo from Dazed and Confused cause it sounds just like that.

Dear 2 Year Old, the reason you can’t kill that spider, no matter how many times you stomp on it, is because it’s not a spider. It’s a piece of lint. Now pull yourself together and stop looking like you’re going to need therapy…

Hideous perimenopausal hormone swings? I hate you with the heat of a super nova. That is all. (PS…pretty sure everyone in my house feels the same way).

Heard Today: Oldest Son “Mom, what if you had another baby?”

Me “O.o”

Oldest Daughter “We’d go insane, Ok? #reasonswhyshe’sawesome

OK. It is now officially the stated goal of this family to get this kid a hit. Tonight he told me in the saddest, smallest voice possible that he didn’t think he was a good ball player and that he could only beat his Dad. I helped to see it differently, and when he wasn’t looking, I cried because it broke my heart. An…d now, while he’s still young enough for me to fix it, I’m going to.

Dear 2 year old, thank you for lining up all the empty gum wrappers on the floor so I can correctly monitor how many pieces you ate while I was washing the clothes. #stayoutofmypurse

Two year old is trying to sing Old McDonald – “E,I,C had a farm….E,I,C had a sandwich…” wonder what sound the sandwich makes?

Some of the best kangaroo courts start with the question “Who cut up my money?”

The baby napped, so I napped. Only took me 6 kids to learn how to do that. #slowlearner

Watching the Ryder Cup today, I am reminded that a 9 iron is the preferred club for people with anger management issues.

“Here are your balloons. I washed them for you.” #LaundryTales

I am 100% convinced that for every 5 loads of laundry I do, at least one of them was already clean. Thanks kids!

That was heartbreakingly difficult not to protect that child from the consequences of his actions. I would like to thank him for making it just a little bit easier by waking me up at 7:15 am on the ONE day when I can sleep in. Please learn this lesson…this is hard on me!

Heard Today: Me: “Where are my oven mitts?! This has to come out of the oven!”

4 Year Old: Oh! I know where they are. They’re in my bathroom. I’ll go get them!”

Me: “No thanks.”

Helping an objecting child to properly trim his nails. Child “No! It hurts! Stop it. Stop it! No! I tapped out!”

Me: “That’s wrestling, there’s no such thing as tapping out when it comes to a mother’s love.” #anotherdayattherodeo

Middle Son: “Mom, where’s the hairdryer?”

WoW, I think to myself. This is a new level of self-care. Cool!

Middle Son: I need to dry my favorite pants.” o.O

Middle Son: “Mom, when you go to the dorm in college, can you take your own stuff? You know, like toys?”

I CANNOT wait for the 4 year old to have boyfriends. That will be too fun for words. She already uses phrases like “I’m waiting…”. I even have a nickname for her first boyfriend: Cicada…cause he will look like an empty husk when she’s done with him.

I want to thank Mike Myers for providing the language to further help classify my own weird behavior…”A Site Specific Extrovert.” That fits.

Safari – you’re dead to me. #thingsappledoesn’tdowell

Heard Today: Me to the Golf Pro “Should you be holding that baby by his face?” (awkward bed transfers)

Why doesn’t Caillou’s mother ever address his chemo treatments?

Emergency, Life-Saving, Belly Button Reattachment Surgery. Quiz: Which one of my children believes he had this?

Yesterday, on the hottest day on record, my kids managed to have a snowball fight in the backyard and that is why they’re awesome. $20 snowcone maker from Target = Priceless.

Golf Pro: “Who wants to go to the Angels game tomorrow night?”

2 Boys: “Awesome!” “Me! Me!”

1 Boy: “Where are the seats?”

Me: *hits head with hand*

I miss the days when I used to cook. Coincidentally, so does my family. At least the ones that know I used to know how to cook…Actually, that means that only the Golf Pro misses the days when I used to cook. And me. That’s 2 people. This almost wasn’t worth it to post. I’ll just go back to adjusting my medication again…

Lessons Learned: Dear 2 Year Old,  When you aim the sunscreen spray directly at your face and press, pain ensues. Don’t do it again. (also part of yesterdays comedy routine)

Me: “Don’t touch anything in this music store.”

What the 4 year old is simultaneously thinking: “I’m gonna touch everything in this music store.”

“What on earth is that noise?!!” “Oh, it’s my trumpet.” O.o

Today involved picking up & dropping off a variety of musical instruments (none made it to school as required), a child on the 5th day of struggles with authority, a bathroom incident involving a dress & a co-ordination failure I hope never to see repeated, inappropriate use of language (honey, you don’t get to use that word, ever), switch hitting, & a lesson about how deodorant only goes on ONE place on your body (WoW).

Dear 2 Year Old, Stop. I repeat, STOP licking my computer.

Heard Today: 7 year old “Mom, it’s an emergency! There’s a grasshopper in the house…and it has ears this long” *holds up hands to demonstrate a foot apart*

Mom “I’m not getting it.”

Heard Today: 4 year old rounds the corner too close and clips her head with a loud thud…as she winds up for the long, piercing scream I hear Middle Son say casually from behind the book he’s reading, “fail…”

Cousin Larry: “If I’d had a sister, she’d have been just like you.”

Me: “Puh-leaze. If I’d been your sister, I’d have been carelessly blown up years ago.” ;-)   #lifelongpyromaniac

Dear ex-spider, I’m sorry that you exceeded the size expectations for spiders in our house and triggered my protective mothering instincts…that wasn”t very buddhist of me.

The 4 year old put my hair in pigtails and the 2 year old is currently hyper-extending my left knee by bouncing on it. In between laundry and work, I am their toy…

Heard Today: 2 year old: (pointing to Colbert Report) “What this?”

Me: “My show.”

2 year old: “Oh. My show better. Elmo.” (Cute even when he’s trash talking).

Dear Universe – please, oh please let me fall asleep before Pierce Brosnan starts to sing…

Yesterday, I pretty much lived on bacon and ice cream. And I’m totally ok with this.

In the midst of all this glory, the preteen girl is having an episode and shouting about how unfair her life is in general from the depths of her room. It’s been going on for about 30 minutes. It is the soundtrack to the 2nd grade and kindergarten homework we are doing. Somebody please cue the music for Ode to Joy, cause that would be just right…

Today, I found out that it is impossible to send a child to school without shoes. You just can’t do it. The office called and asked the reason for his absence. “Well, he just doesn’t have shoes.”

Other than the cold English weather and the savage, frenetic poetry writing, I’m pretty sure this is exactly how Sylvia Plath spent her last night.

I will now attempt to cook or use everything in my freezer, as it seems to have quit working. Afterwards, I will take myself out for a nice round of electroshock therapy because I don’t believe that any amount of prescription drugs or alcohol will be enough to medicate away the last 48 hours.

If I were the character in The Green Mile, this would be the part of the movie where the bees pour out of my mouth.

Kix cereal is really hard to sweep up! Like sweeping marbles. On the up side, you can spread an entire box over 3 1/2 rooms. Oh, wait…that’s actually from the 2 year olds perspective. I’m sure he found it fabulous.

I accept that my mistake this morning was in attempting to watch the Round Table with Christiane Amanpour and have kids at the same time. Quite stupid of me really. It could lead to nothing but frustrated crankiness on my part. I will now resume my forced current affairs blockade. Boo!

Watching Twilight with the 4 year old, so we can be girls together…all I keep thinking is “why is that vampire wearing so much lipstick?”

1st DAY OF SCHOOL – 5 kids out the door all at once. W00T! Now, as I stare consideringly at the little one…he starts to fidget and looks around himself nervously…”Where did everybody go? What happened to them? Am I next?!”

Heard Today: 10 year old “Who’s that?”

Me: “Steve Martin. He’s awesome.”

10 year old: “Is he from your time?”

Me: *Stares at child without expression* (clearly nothing is older than I am where my children are concerned).

Oldest Son once casually mentioned that Thomas Jefferson was President when I was born…he did the math. If Obama was the 44th President and I was 43 and Jefferson was the 2nd President, then…(That was 1st grade. I think he’s a little clearer on it all these days :-)

Heard Today: Golf Pro discussing homework with the Kindergartner…”You blew this…” Wha? Huh?  Uh, honey?

At the end of his volunteer duties at school they asked the Gold Pro if he could stay and help with computer lab…AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA OHOHOHOHOHO Hehehehehehehe…Hahahahahahahahaha AHAHAHAHAHAHA. zomg. totally can’t breathe right now…Ahahahahahahaha. sorry. I’ll try and stop now. Going back to the stories about ants, where it all makes sense.

In honor of today’s accidental discovery that you can microwave and ant for up to a minute and not kill it…I give you the Honeypot Ant. Enjoy!

The fine line between boredom and hostility…that is where graffiti lives.

7 year old is crying because the Angels suck. Loud, weepy, noisy tears. Mike Scioscia, you can  bite me.

Just checked…still about $40,000 away from being a MILF.

The Uncle Kracker earworm continues…Great side effect: revenge on the people who want you to watch the Wizard of Oz until you can say the lines backwards. #win

Heard Today: “I do not submit to forceable snuggling.”

They just threw water on the witch…again. She’s melting. #bored

Everything about ants is a numbers game.

Heard Today: “I can’t wait til there’s teleporting.”

Rat Babies! The Golf Pro was in charge of booking the Parent/Teacher conferences for the first time this year. He booked one at 1:45pm and the next one at 1:50pm.  O.o   #Newbie.

Dear Son, “Don’t Hate the Playa; Hate the game” – In other words…Do not fault the successful participant in a flawed system; try instead to discern and rebuke that aspect of its organization which allows or encourages the behavior that has provoked your displeasure. (i.e. Teacher: “You have plagiarized this essay.” Student: “Don’t hate the player; hate the game.”) – URBAN DICTIONARY

Golf Pro: “I think I want to see that movie too.”

Random 10 year old: “Umm, you’re not going to be sitting with us are you?”

Mom: LOL

Put a 10 year old on either side of your head and it goes something like this…Left Ear: “Dude, no way.” Right Ear: “Dude, totally.” Left Ear: “Dude, seriously, you can’t do that.” Right Ear: “Dude, I’m telling you, it’s true.” Left Ear: “Dude, you don’t understand.” — and so on, and so on…

Heard Today: Middle Son to his friend – “Dude, I hate New York…it’s so crowded!” (amazingly convincing for a kid who’s never been to New York) #thingsIloveabout10yearolds

Lessons in Tying Your Shoes. The Golf Pro, outside on a maintenance chore, heard a faint cry for help in the neighborhood. Turns out to be Oldest Son. Apparently needed to be rescued out of the gutter after his (always) untied shoelaces got wrapped in the bike chain, yanking him off the bike and attaching them both securely together. Golf Pro: “How long have you been laying here?” Oldest Son: “About 5 Minutes”

I’m 44 years old today. I’m sitting in a casino having a dissociative moment and I almost killed an Ethiopian in a bar. Opinions anyone?

Dear God, I just heard somebody say “OK, I’ll put a blindfold on Mom.” I hope I get a last cigarette and some chaps who can aim straight.

Me: “What are you guys watching?!” Them: “It’s a kids show Mom!” Clearly Disney is about one season away from breaking out the stripper pole. Marketing vs. Values. Put some Ears on it Disney!

WoW. I think my night just ended without my consent.

You know how I’m going to spend my second week in Hell? Doing 1st and 2nd grade homework. grrf!

Naked 7 year old boy walks in…”Me and Dad are going to water the garden!” I am 100% sure I don’t want any further information on this subject.

About 1 month into the new school and the lady at the front desk already has us on her ‘hate’ list. *dusts hands* “Next!”

2 year old: “Bye! Bye! I Lub You! Bye. I miss you! Bye!”

Me: “OK. Where are you going?”

2 year old: “Downstairs. I Lub You! Bye!” *waves*

2 year old: “Look Mom, it’s my hand!”

Me: “Yes. It’s your hand. For the 12th time in a row, it’s your hand. Now, how about you point to your freakishly large big-head.”

Dear 2 year old, you are NOT a sports announcer. You do NOT have to give me a play-by-play of every minute of your life…that’s what therapy is for. For the love of all that’s holy, STOP TALKING – for 5 minutes…I’m begging you.

Heard Today: “Bye Ants!” (yelled by the 2 year old on the way out the door) O.o

So, when the Golf Pro is in Las Vegas…is it wrong to time a wake-up call for 7:30am? :-D

Today the 2 year old discovered his pants had a back pocket. He was very excited, yelling, “Look! Pocket! Pocket!” Then he looked way up into the face of the Golf Pro and said, “I need money.” It was a perfect moment.

The Golf Pro is about to abandon me for 3 days for the PGA Conference in Vegas. Going to be a long 3 days. I wish my job had conferences. My job goes on 24/7 – 365. It often comes to get me in the middle of the night to come do it some more. Then there’s my second job… #bitterbywednesday

As of this morning, the 2 year old can get out of the crib. Pretty much all down hill from here… #canIcoastyet?

How delusional of me is it to view the rapidly increasing gray hair I’m getting as ‘highlights’? I can’t really decide how I feel about them yet.

OK…so all I have to do is get 4 of us out the door with 200 already filled water balloons. O.o #babystepstoday

So, last night, I jolted out sleep demanding to know “Where’s the dog!” It took the Golf Pro a full 2 minutes to convince me that we had indeed, NOT lost the dog, because we do not own a dog. I am now worried about losing pets we don’t own. Fab.

2 year old boy? Your sister will deliver a total beatdown if you keep using her lipgloss to paint your face…

In yet another stunning example of how local LA news fails to understand the difference between NEWS and ENTERTAINMENT, here’s the dramatic leader: “A man looses his job and his home, but he won’t let them take his car. Watch him snap – tonight at 11:00!” Really KTLA? In the great words of Wil Wheaton…Step into a fire and die.

Heard Today: Dad: “How about some breakfast?”

7 year old: “How about some No School?”

Heard Today: “Mom, when am I going to become a rock star?” Matter-of-fact question from the 7 year old.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. ~ Mitch Ratcliffe

Well, I am very disappointed to report that our beloved children’s character Monty the Maggot is testing poorly in the focus groups. This is bewildering…but I feel sure that this plucky little hero is destined to become a children’s classic!

When my 10 year old son reminds me that I owe him $5,  I am the only one in the conversation who sees the irony of this ;-)

Dad: “Let me brush your hair.”

7 Year Old: “Wait,” *brushes hair back* “I have to make room for my forehead.”

Watching another emotionless Roger Moore portrayal of James Bond.

Ladies and Germs, I give you Monty the Maggot…the endearing hero of a new series of children’s books. The first in the series teaches children about good health. Entitled “Mystery Meat”…in which Monty learns that too much red meat can be bad for you! (show of hands all you who would buy this series?)

It’s little league, so we are only allowed to say positive things – but if this was the majors, I’d already have questioned this umps parentage. They totally made that play at the plate.

Happiness Is shucking & jiving and dodging & weaving your way across 4 lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic on the 101 to the carpool lane and then having a kid tell you they have to go NOW…Oh No, wait, that’s not happiness.

It turns out that a mega box of cheerios being spilled down the stairs sounds…well, exactly like a mega box of cheerios being spilled down the stairs. #3mancleaningcrew.

Heard Today: “Here, this is a hair with toothpaste on it. Please throw it in the trash.”

I love my kids, but dear god it’s hard sometimes to figure out which one is the special needs one at any given moment.

So, how do you get gum off a baby?

6 kids and a $10 car wash. better than going to the movies sometimes.

I have now gained enough weight that my head looks abnormally small on my body. Well, there’s that one checked off the list…

If you’re writing a tech review and you tell me you prefer using a mouse…I’ve already stopped reading.

Just looked at the school supply lists for 5 kids…O-M-G. I might as well smoke cigars that I’ve used $100 bills to light. WoW.

One last shout out to Oldest Son – “I helped you feel better yesterday…and then I told my friends mom ALL about it and how you had a really big tantrum.” o.O   sigh.  Happily, you and your siblings destroyed my expectations of privacy some time ago…and yes, you helped me a lot. I Love You.

Oldest Sons? When you asked how long you could stay at your friends, and I said forever…it may have been connected to the fact that you spent the morning teaching the 2 year old to accurately name his private parts…at top volume.

Well, that went poorly…


7 year old – “Mommy, are the Dodgers or the Angels cursed?”

Me – “No Honey. That’s the Cubs.”

somebody just yelled to a 5 year old to touch homeplate. he walked up to it and put his hands on it. more t-ball hilarity

Just about to kick a child and their noisy toy out of my bedroom, and then I heard it teach her a word in spanish, and I relented because I deemed it educational…nerdly.

Is there anything better than someone driving a performance automobile 20 miles under the speed limit on an open road? #I’mlate

Google maps? Suck less. a lot less.

I want a nickel for every time I have reflexively had to think, “What the hell did I just step in?” #lotsofkids

This is the background music to my life right now. Obama get s Hail To The Chief…I get this (Open with caution. you will NEVER get this song out of your head!). #plantsvszombies

  • I let the baby play with money because I don’t accept that it is dirtier than any other surface they come into contact with. I mean, is a quarter an exceptionally porous and moist environment for germs, or are they going to expire on that surface at the same rate as any other similar one? The Golf Pro and I disagree vehemently about this. #riskyparentalbehavior
  • I also let them swallow gum. When was the last non-choking, gum-swallowing death you heard of? Seriously? Maybe if I let them swallow three or four packs worth in the course of a few hours, but I’m pretty sure our systems can handle a piece of wrigleys. We also disagree about this. And the concept of high octane gas
  • Just to clarify, I do not let the baby swallow the quarters – cause that would be bad parenting. You know, if you let them do it more than once…and you knew about…and you didn’t get the quarter back somehow.

The Golf Pro is trying to get the 7 year old to give up the remote…unsuccessfully.

No one ever told me that watching the spotty hygiene practices of 6 kids would turn me into Howard Hughes. and not good-looking, rich, adventurous Howard Hughes. I mean the twitchy, obsessive, surgical glove wearing Howard Hughes.

4 year old knows we are going to the doctor today. “Mama, will I be getting shots?” Do I lie? No. In the end I can’t, but I am vague about the possibility. And I include mention of chocolate. In large quantities. And I’m sorry….because I’m sure there will be shots involved.

Is money really dirtier than any other surface? I mean a quarter is dirtier than a door knob in what way? Can someone get me some facts on this?

“Field Specific Plasticity” – my favorite term for the week (refers to ants). Thanks NPR! #nerdstatusconfirmed

Took cousins to LAX, played snack mom @ T-ball, fried hundreds of won tons for 2 hrs at Japanese Festival, dropped off 50% of my kids, fed the other 50% (thanks Wendy’s), and am still Aussie enough to catch & release the lizard that wondered into the house. Oh, and I’m sending out a special thanks to the person who did not clean up after their dog near the ball field for adding the extra specialness to my day. #Iwin

So the 2 year old is rockin out to Led Zep’s Whole Lotta Love. Who knew?

Dear Golf Pro, when you told me our house smelled like something DIED in it, I took that as license not to come home tonight. I am researching the problem from afar and I plan on subsisting on the amazing clam chowder I was going to bring home to you. I am a bad mate.

To the guy on the freeway who felt he needed to catch up to me and give me a ‘stern’ look because we both tried to change lanes into the same lane…I’m very sorry that I did not take you and your xBox seriously, but I’m sure you have had this problem before, as you appear to be driving a toy. Sorry for laughing.

It was so bad that I just threw everything out…

Any other Mom’s ever lose a child in the middle of the night? This wasn’t the first time. Same child though. #searchpartyfun

Just want to send out a special shout out to Middle Son for dumping a TON of sand from the park into my bed while watching TV…I woke up nicely exfoliated – Thanks.

LeBron James. Great Player AND Drama Queen. Too bad West Hollywood doesn’t have an NBA team.

Speaking of the attempted Skype hack I experienced yesterday. You know, the one telling me my Windows OS was absolutely infected with a virus and I should click on the link and do as I’m told…You know, the Windows OS that my mac uses…#fail

Do all mother’s put their son’s to bed by saying “OK, give me the gun.” I bet the Buddhist ones don’t. Probably not the Quakers either…

Boys watching the end of Terminator “Hey I know how he dies in the end! He has a weak spot!” Dude, he’s missing half his body – where’s the weak spot?!

This morning, as I left for work, two 10 year olds were standing the 2 year old up against the closet door. The 10 year olds were armed with a Nerf gun. Looked like a rousing game of William Tell was about to get underway. I consider my departure to be a case of near-perfect timing. It became utterly perfect as I closed the front door on a call from the distance…”I think the baby needs to be changed!”

To quote myself on the Germans losing to Spain in the World Cup – “Ahahahahahaha hahahaha Aahahahahahaha Hahahahaha.”

“Validation-wise…I am just an accident waiting to happen”

“It’s none of my business, but that’s a kid who can’t afford to miss one single day of school.” ~ Berta on Two and a Half Men. (and I have just the kid to tattoo with this one in mind. Ahahahahahahaha ahahahahaha)

Tip for the Day: Do NOT stay up late at night googling things like “Existential Loneliness” Just Sayin…

Oh, Really Family…hazelnut crepes with strawberries and bananas sauteed in butter and brown sugar not good enough for you? Well, Excuuuuuuuuuuse Meeeeeeeee!

We are all incredibly bored. Looking for free stuff for the kids to do. I offered cleaning the house, universally rejected.

Before I go to bed, it must be said — I have the best possible daughter of all time…

What does it say about me that I want to be Charlie from Two and a Half Men??!

Grandmother to 7 year old who is causing consternation by wildly brandishing star wars light sabers in her house “Where did these swords come from anyway?!”

7 year old: “From China.” Nice to know they’re reading the small print on their toys…

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

The Golf Pro comes home an the 4 year old looks at him and exclaims “Look! This morning I broke a nail!” Some of them are just born with it.

Two year olds should come with a tranquilizer gun. Sometimes you just have to put a dart in their butts and bring them down. I mean really, where is Marlon Perkins when you need him?

Some of you may recall the mention of pedicures for a couple of the girls in this house recently (a rare treat). Apparently someone felt left out.
3:30pm – How 2 year olds paint their nails…

Money in the trash – 8:00am – This only looks right to 2 year olds and crazy people…

“He said if you want to feel good about yourself – if you want to never be bored — don’t just do the things that come easily to you.” 
~ (Katherine Schwarzenegger about her father). Lessons I hope I give my kids

sigh. I miss the late night Toontown raids from a few years back. Good Ole Colonel Slumpy Zillerpop. He was a powerful and benevolent toon, who met his match in a 5 year old with delete button powers.

Finally caught some news today. Particularly liked the part where the other oil companies went before congress and basically beheaded BP, drove a stake through it’s heart and then held up the severed head for all the villagers to see. – “Yeah, we used to be friends…now, under the bus you go.” I tell you it just makes… me giggle in the sickest way. #we’renotgoingdownwithyou

Do ants go to bed? I hope so, cause I just told a whopper of a lie if they don’t

Burgers, fries & shakes – then T-ball. We’re an American band…Woohoo

I so want to live a Martha Stewart-Sunset magazine-Architectural Digest kind of life. sigh. Right now, the only thing stopping me is time, money and energy. Perhaps my friend Katherine will loan me her husband Carlos. I think he has this skill. All I have is envy ;-)

Exiting dramatically to one’s room loses all effect in a family of 6 kids. Where’s your sister? – In her room. – How long’s she been in there. – Dunno. a while. #sorrysweetie

Kids, work insanity, airports, family crises, preteen drama, behind schedule, laundry piling up…yep, it’s a normal day. #goodtoknow

Favorite question of the day so far “OK, who’s been cutting the baby’s hair?”

2nd favorite question: “Do you have any explanation for what went so horribly wrong in this bathroom?”

Household make-up for this game: 7 Laker fans:1 Celtics fan. After the game we plan on taking him out to parking lot for a good old fashioned display of fan enthusiasm regardless of game outcome. He’s lucky it’s not FIFA

Is up working very late. Say it with me everyone…”Tomorrow’s going to Suh-uh-uh-uck.”

3 hours and 58 pages of instructions later, my kids thinks I’m an engineer right? Happy Birthday Jack!

Must now plan activities for a 7 year olds party tomorrow. Fell I am most horribly unsuited to this task. List so far…1) water balloon toss. – that’s it.

What’s better than working all morning, letting the Littles trash the house and then finding a Sharpie without the cap? Seriously, what’s better than that?!!!

OK. The next time I see a sad cartoon character, with large watery eyes begging me to adopt it, it’s Lock-n-Load my friends.

Sweet Mother of Invention. I am now convinced that something hormonal is afoot in my house…x3 Things are not what they used to be. A few years into this and I can totally see someone having to give me the “Ol Yellar” treatment.

The Lake Show is on…and somewhere in the distance, women wail, men gnash their teeth, dogs howl in mindless agony. It must mean all the children are home safely once more. #whitenoise

It might be a stroke…Or it could be repetitive strain injury from vacuuming 14lbs of cereal, popcorn, chex mix and crushed up granola bars off the floor of my van today. Thanks Kids!

Is that my chocolate Frosty? – No, it’s my Frosty. – But doesn’t my kids meal come with one. – Not anymore. – Haha! but I have the spoon. – Yeah, but I have the Frosty. Bet I do better with a Frosty and no spoon than you do with a spoon and no Frosty.

“As far as mistakes go, this was one of the biggest…”

O.O Wow. raising two girls together is the closest thing to a cage-match that I am ever likely to experience. Literally rubber-necking here… =:-o

He’s 10. I love him. He ruined my figure, my patience, my pocketbook and what was left of my mind…but he feels being asked to take two empty pizza boxed out to the recycle bin is excessive. O.0

Here’s a little shout out to all the mother’s of sons who so often have to try and navigate the “Guy Playbook” as we try and turn our boys into good men of character and honor. I bent my brain a bit on this one yesterday, but think my son and I found the right path. phew!

I cannot forget my mother. She is my bridge. When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely. ~Renita Weems

On the back of a bag of Southwest peanuts – “Ingredients: Peanuts, roasted in peanut/canola oil, salt” under this? “Produced in a facility that processes peanuts and other nuts.” Just a warning I guess for those people with peanut allergies who are about to enjoy their complimentary peanuts. O.O

Reflection from a trip: “If you are traveling with children, we don’t know what you were thinking, but please secure your own mask first, then assist the child with the most potential…” ~ Southwest Flight Attendant.

Have arrived in Reno, having only been delayed by a couple of hours. My luggage is enjoying an overnight stay in Portland. Thank you Southwest Clowns.

Remote in hand, 46 year old: “I can’t find the Disney channel.” 4 year old: “It starts with Duh.”

He’s not even two years old yet, but already he can say “Don’t shoot me!” and “I need a bullet.” Yep ~ house full of boys.

I have had a Taylor Swift earworm for the past 5 days. I expect it to last another 4 – 6 years.

Teaching the 4 year old to use the word “petulant”…you know, because she often is lately.

The kids ate goat cheese last night…I wonder when I will tell them.

“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.” ~ Justin’s Dad

Kid got stuck under the bed…again. Sadly, it’s NOT the one with the well developed sense of humor. #dustbunnyrage

I love ya Honey, but it’s called an electronic eye and it prevents the garage door from closing if something is in the way. No, it doesn’t prevent it from opening, because statistically, the majority of injuries happen when the door is closing. Also, when you pull the red cord, it means you now have a manual garage door. (He does other things well). #thetoolsaremine

Fun with Census workers… “How many people live here?” “Eight” “I’ll have to go to my car and get more forms” “Oh yeah, wait till we get to the part with last names and ethnicity.”

Serious people, how much are we abusing our census workers? Guy at my door yesterday was pathetically grateful for my co-operation. Hey, I was the one who flaked about mailing in the form.

If one of your kids didn’t throw up in your bed this morning you’re already ahead of the game.

Missing the kids and engaged in the usual struggle to reason with the absence of rhythm in our lives. They are well and happy though. Must cure my blues…time to set something on fire I guess.

I am hiding from bedtime. Bad Parent!

4 year old just perfectly repaired the arm of the teddy bear that had been ripped of during some kind of interrogation by the 6 year old – with a band-aide. Putting her in charge now.

I speak, the child yells “What?” – I repeat, the child yells “What?” – I repeat again, the child yells “What?” …either I have had a stroke that has made my speech unintelligible, or the child has not figured out to move closer to the sound he cannot make out. It’s a 50/50 flip.

Somehow the headline “Russell Crowe threatened to kill producer with bare hands” just makes me chuckle every time I read it.

Cannot recall if the breakfast I ate was today or yesterday. Sometime in the last 48 hours I shuttled kids EVERYWHERE, was ignored, fixed a bike, was ignored, took in cello for repair, a guitar for restoration, was ignored some more, grocery shopped, cleaned, worked, got ignored a little more, frowned at the laundry, w…as blatantly ignored and settled about a million failed social negotiations. Meals included. O.o

Oh no, pardon me. Have been informed that it is actually a groin injury by the resident athlete. Have issued the following instructions: Mom: “Just don’t use your groin for a few days.” Child: “What?!!”

10 year old needs a hip replacement surgery it seems. Hoping children’s tylenol will tide him over. They shoot horses don’t they?

Have taken my vitamins, had no meat, breakfast of lean protein and tomato and garlic pasta for dinner. Green tea coming…the McDonalds french fries for lunch…they fit in with this, right?

Is it just me, or did Big Bird look a lot less like he had MS about two muppeteers ago?

Had a child request “A day of healing and to stay home and help me with the laundry”. That last bit almost sold me…the first bit wasn’t a bad try either. We should all get the occasional “Day of Healing.”

Showered 6 kids in 35 minutes last night. Bore a striking resemblance to the Kentucky Derby I think.

“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet..” ~ Bill Cosby

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

Ah, the peace of one’s family…underscored by the usual weeping of women, howling of dogs, gnashing of teeth and wailing of the banshees. sigh. I wonder of London during the blitz was slightly more peaceful than these people.

Took 5 kids to Hanamatsuri Festival at their Japanese school. Managed to volunteer at the teriyaki squid booth while the kids practiced responsibility. Came home with $55 in goldfish (5 kids x ping pong ball booth x compulsive carnival behavior x 4 hours) – historically, these fish have a lifespan of about 2 days. Only lost the baby once. School/Buddhist Church Supported. Go Me.

Dr. Christiane Northrup “The notion of self-sacrifice as an element of love is false and leads only to the weakening of the character of the person for whom the sacrifice is made.” Catherine Ponder

Cannot remember the last time I felt a sense of safety. Only in the presence of my children does the panic ever really subside and one can breath deeply for a moment or two.

Apparently, it is still true that while parenting is the single hardest thing I will ever do, but because it produces no actual income, it is entirely unvalued and renders me without worth or a vote in my life for many people. Amazing.

6 children put to bed…all loved, ached for and feared for in their way. They are My Shield, My Hightower, My ultimate Prayer and Supplication in desperate times. My Heart’s End.

4 yr old & 6 yr old just popped back in from bed with joint question/request – “Mom, is it true that a new mattress costs $200,000? Cause we both want a new one.” Wha…?

Is hoping her kids have an awesome spring break and thinks a break is just what they need for playing baseball and going to school 6 days a week. Try and do something kind for someone else and come home to me soon, because I will miss you.

Dragged on home to find one of the six cutest things going watching Power Rangers in my bed, wearing footsie pajamas and clutching an Angels baseball souvenir after going to the game with his Dad. And for a moment, all the past few days heartache washes away…

Sees opportunity all around her, but can’t seem to find her energy. I think my kids have it.

Why does the arc of my life always resemble “shock & awe”? Has there ever been a smooth transition? Ever?

Just made a child look like Cindy-Lou Who. Awesome. Now sending her to school that way. hehehehe.

Rather than a spa day, I think I’d like to check myself in for a nice afternoon of electroshock therapy. Nurse Ratched, I’m ready for my meds.

Hello, tonight? I’m just letting you know…if I don’t get to sleep, I will cut you.

Yes. it seems right that the baby should wake up before 6am today. Where is Marlin Perkins with my tranquilizer dart?

4 year old: “Mom, there’s something in my closet.”

Me: “I don’t do that.” It’s true, I’m awful. Feel free to have some extra therapy when you get older.

Will there be any point to me today? Perhaps I will surprise myself. Me and work both hope so.

For those of you who are wondering, It is true that a child who goes to bed with an unapproved piece of gum in his mouth, will end up with gum covering most of his head by 3:30 am. Cooking oil & a dry washcloth will remove the gum, but the child will complain through most of this process.

I love bathing fever-ridden, hallucinating children in the middle of the night. It is much better than the ones with night terrors and rages. Never thought I’d be this glad that I slept so much in my 20’s.

“You are the worst and meanest Mommy forever! I want a different Mommy than you!” Oh good, I’m getting this right. Now watch me eat this ice cream in front of you before I get your bags packed… #things I wish I had said

On an entirely inappropriate note…Tim McGraw currently graces my ad sidebar here on facebook. Thank you facebook. I want to join the group “Tim McGraw can Make a Woman Ovulate at 40 Paces.” Oh…that’s not a group yet? Weird.

Baby is now having total rage because Elmo cannot be made available to him 24/7. He is so Two years old. Can someone please make a ‘Restraining Order Elmo’ for next Christmas?

My therapeutic parenting has run out for the night. Please stop asking for it.

Mission San Juan Capistrano with 140 4th graders. No, really. I highly recommend it o.o

Well, that was remarkably stupid of me to leave that baby unattended with a cup and access to water.

Rat Babies! It’s over. “Bye Aloneness! I’ll never forget you. We were meant to be together!” *sobs*

Best part of the day? When the ER Doc told how us how his brother went to Harvard, but he barely graduated high school…Huh? Wha?! “Uh, could we have another Dr?”

That you can now glue a baby’s head shut in lieu of stitches cannot be underrated. In other medical news: Adrenaline better than coffee! Day started w/ blood gushing trip to ER & ended when I opened my closet & big yellow kids ball leapt out at me from overhead where it had been hiding. How are my nerves?

All spin aside, Pat Robertson’s statement demonstrates that his thought process is way more than six degrees of separation from human decency.

Oldest son when questioned about needing soy sauce for his eggs over-easy, “You just don’t know the Japanese way.” Really? Let me introduce you to my way…*cuffs ear.*

7 kids packed into the kitchen engaged in a huge argument. “What are you all doing in the kitchen?” Perfectly rational response, “Oh, we’re fighting over the big bowl.”

4 year old: “That’s right, if you don’t listen to Mommy I will never, ever draw any more pictures for you.”

6 year old: “Stop it. I know what I’m doing.”

Made the mistake of stepping four feet away from the car today at school pick-up for oldest kids and left 6 year old, 4 year old and 18 month old strapped in. 3 minutes later, chaos. 6 year old had found 10 year old sisters’ umbrella and shot the thing open in the car with magic 1 button push. When I checked, the 3 of them were li…ned up in the front bench seat of the Odyssey under the umbrella staring ahead as if they were trying to pretend there wasn’t an umbrella open in the car. Sister not amused BTW.

Thanksgiving was more than the usual mental and emotional assault, but I am very, very thankful for the 6 beautiful children who share my life and always heal my heart. I LOVE where I live and I think this next year will be even better than the last. Also, I am very thankful for the awesome friends I have and for being home in time to see A Charlie Brown Christmas. Happy day all…

wonders if this will be the year that she actually takes everyone’s picture on the first day of school…Coming up snake-eyes on that one 2 date.

I am home alone with 6 year old for 2 days. This is the closest I will come to a vacation all year. I wish it were 3 days.

I am reflecting on how 5 minutes of working on the clock for a 1 year old can translate into 45 working time for the attendant adult. They have a great Union.

I am going to attempt to work with 5 kids in the house. I am also open to miracles…

My oldest sons rock for helping me through yesterday’s hostage situation. Also they play a good game of golf!

SoCal local news does WAY too many news stories/ads for botox. I want to live somewhere that they don’t think I should jam needles in my face to look “Well Rested”

I want to know how they get the toothpaste ALL OVER the bathroom just trying to brush their teeth!!?

How long it takes four kids huddled together in bed to create a super-virus.